I am unsure if anyone in the world does know me that well.

I look like another happy go lucky guy, and sometimes I wear the mask so often that I am confused with reality already.

Growing up in a single parent family, a family where my mum is always busy, I feel the lack of love. It is not because she didnt love her children enough, it was that she loved us too much, that she slogged her guts off, giving us very possible little things that we wanted. But, I am selfish, this isn't enough for me. I want more time with my family. When I was younger, I was only into maplestory; currently I am also playing too much games. I didn't know how to interact with my family well. I know that they love me, but we don't show it enough, and that is not enough for me again.

Growing up without a father, with my mom working in my father's family fish farm, there was so much "politics" that I have been through. I had to learn and act responsibly. I did not have the best childhood there is for every other kid. Well, I am better off than a lot of people in the world, but just not as great as people around me. The growing up process restricted me, shaped me into who I am today. I grew up without dreams, without hopes of getting more, wishing for more; afterall, I was just another kid without a father, and my mum is already shouldering enough burden for me to add on to her problems. (Well, I had my fair share of quarrel and fights with my siblings that added onto her burden.)

I love my primary school friends, but I didnt keep in contact with them. I am just not someone who actively contact people. I keep to myself. Once again, I neglected friends in real life, and turned to the virtual world when I was in secondary school. I had a big quarrel with my secondary school friends, which eventually kind of patched during Sec 4. I was not the popular kid around then. I kept to myself once again.  I got into poly and I tried to change, I tend to put on the happy go lucky mask and I made alot of friends. I love them, but there was a part of me that was still reluctant to share everything with them. I didnt like being a burden and didn't wanted to add on to others' problems, even if they do not see me as a problem. I just do not want to. I made a lot of new friends, a few who are really close, and the rest not so much. I very much would like to become closer friends with them, but once again, I did not take the initiative. I did not contact them. I was socially awkward at times.

Everything happened in army again; I was happy with my section mates, wanted to be close friends with some of them, but eventually, we commissioned and we separated and I did not keep in contact again. This happen again and again. Now currently I am in university but I still do not know how to contact with strangers, and to break out of my comfort zone to meet new people.

I lack discipline, I lack motivation, I lack a lot of things. I want to slim down, but I am lazy to workout, not bothered to eat clean, not caring to research more on slimming down. This is why I keep getting fat. I want to look better, feel better and garner more attention.

I overthink too much. I am a highly sensitive guy, and I overthink too much. Sometimes overthinking that someone likes me, hates me or whatsoever. I begin to distance myself from them for deep down inside of me, I am afraid of actually falling in love, to be committed and eventually facing a breakup like my parents again. I say that I do not want to get married because I like to travel etc but it is just another mask I wear. I do not want to get married because I know the me now will not be able to maintain a marriage and will eventually end up separated like what my parents been through. I overthink consequences, afraid that some bad consequences will happen, people will leave me and I am afraid of all these.

I crave attention. ALOT of attention. I started using tinder because I wanted attention. I played maplestory because I wanted attention. I stayed in the virtual world because I feel lousy about myself. Like I was another kid that was unwanted. I reject myself before others reject me. I do not love myself. I do not love my fats. I do not love that I grew up in a single parent family. I do not love that my family is not rich.

For people who know me, they might know that I am a perfectionist in my work, but I never bothered about my figure as a person. This is because I do not love myself. I love my friends but I am mean to them. I say that I hate competitive but there is a part of me that is super competitive. I wanna be fit but I make no effort. I act like I am alright with people calling me fat, lazy etc but in fact theres a part deep inside of me that cared so much about it, but being used to wear the happy go lucky mask for so long, I learnt to laugh it off. I feel so much but i act nonchalant. I want so much but I act like its alright without it. I do not like myself.

I want to live my life the the fullest but I do not know how to.
I need to break out of my comfort zone, meet new people and long lasting friends.
I need to start exercising and become fit.
I need to love myself abit more.

I am writing my flaws today, so that I might learn to love myself a little more tomorrow.